Why Feedback Feels Hard and How to Make It Easier for Everyone

Why Feedback Feels Hard and How to Make It Easier for Everyone

For something that’s meant to help us grow, feedback can often be a rather negative experience, especially in the workplace, where egos, power dynamics, and performance anxiety all come into play. But why does feedback feel so uncomfortable, and more importantly, how can we make it easier — and more effective — for everyone involved?

The Psychology of Feedback

Feedback hits close to home because it threatens something fundamental, our sense of self. Psychologists call this “ego threat.” When someone points out something we could improve, our brain doesn’t always hear “an opportunity to grow.” Instead, we hear “You’re not good enough.”

This response is linked to our fight-or-flight system, which doesn’t distinguish between a lion in the grass and a manager saying, “Can I give you some feedback?” As a result, we get defensive, anxious, or shut down entirely.

There’s also the issue of negativity bias. Our brains are hardwired to pay more attention to criticism than praise. You might receive five compliments and one critique, and guess which one you’ll remember on your commute home?

Why Giving Feedback Feels Just as Awkward

It’s not just hard to hear feedback, it’s hard to give it too. Many managers and colleagues dread it because they’re afraid of damaging relationships or coming across as too harsh. Others worry they won’t be taken seriously or that the person will get upset. So what happens? Feedback gets watered down, dodged entirely, or delivered so clumsily it does more harm than good.

Making Feedback Work

The good news is that feedback doesn’t have to be terrifying. Here’s how to take the sting out of it:

For Feedback Givers:

1. Normalise it.
   Treat feedback like a regular part of working life, not a once-a-year event. When feedback is common in everyday conversations, it loses its shock factor.
2. Be specific and objective.
   “Your presentation wasn’t great” is vague and unhelpful. “You spoke a little too quickly during the intro, which made it hard to follow” is much clearer and easier to act on.
3. Focus on behaviours, not personalities.
   For example, “I noticed you interrupted a few times during the meeting,” rather than “You’re not a good listener.”
4. Ask for permission.
   A simple “Can I offer some feedback on that?” gives the other person a sense of control and can make them more receptive.
5. Balance the tone.
   It’s not about the “compliment sandwich” (everyone sees through it), but feedback doesn’t have to be cold. Show that your intent is to help, not to criticise.

For Feedback Receivers:

1. Don’t react straight away.
   Take a breath. It’s normal to feel defensive but resist the urge to argue. Listen first, you can process it properly once emotions have settled.
2. Ask clarifying questions.
   “What could I have done differently?” or “Can you give an example?” helps turn vague feedback into something actionable.
3. Separate fact from feeling.
   Try to detach your personal identity from your performance. One mistake doesn’t define you, it just gives you a direction to grow.
4. Say thank you.
   Even if it’s hard to hear, someone took the time to offer feedback. That’s (usually) a sign they care about your development.
5. Reflect and follow up.
   Show you’re taking it seriously. Even a quick update like “I’ve been working on that, has it improved?” helps reinforce that feedback loops are worthwhile.

Culture Counts

None of this matters if your workplace doesn’t support open, respectful communication. Leaders need to model good feedback behaviour. Psychological safety — where people feel safe to speak up, try, fail, and learn — is the foundation of all of this.

And let’s be clear: feedback doesn’t have to be about what’s wrong. Celebrate what’s going well. Positive reinforcement is just as powerful, and often more motivating, than picking things apart.

In short, feedback feels hard because we’re human. But with the right mindset, communication skills, and a culture that supports it, we can turn feedback into what it’s meant to be, a tool for learning, not a reason to dread your 1:1.

And if someone tells you your feedback style needs work? Take a breath, thank them, and prove you’re someone who actually takes feedback well. That’s rare, and it’s powerful.

Dovetail Recruitment are an independent Recruitment Agency in Bournemouth. Follow us to keep up to date with The South’s Job Market Report, Recruitment in Hampshire & Dorset + HR news,  as well as our latest jobs, career tips + everything else related to your working world.

Written by Imogen Lines-Clarke